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Jokes
Apr 19, 2013 15:24:41 GMT -5
Post by Yummy on Apr 19, 2013 15:24:41 GMT -5
My Master told me this one:
He had gone to the bank to cash a check, and when he went home, a $100 fell out onto the living room floor. Before he could pick it up, his dog ran over and ate the $100.
He took the dog to the vet, and the vet said he could do surgery on the dog to retrieve the bill. But, he added, that would cost $400. He decided against that, as it didn't make sense to spend $400 to get $100. So the vet said they could give the dog a laxative and see if that helped. He agreed.
So they gave the dog a laxative, and they waited and waited... nothing happened. So the vet said, "Well, just take him home and keep an eye on him." So he loaded him up in his jeep and headed home. He was driving along when the laxative kicked in, and the dog started to poop everywhere. The only thing is... the bill was counterfeit, and the dog couldn't pass it.
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Jokes
Apr 21, 2013 11:31:54 GMT -5
Post by alisonlynn on Apr 21, 2013 11:31:54 GMT -5
Q: When is a man most intelligent, before, after or during sex? A: During sex cuz he's plugged up to the knowledge source!
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Post by alisonlynn on Apr 21, 2013 11:59:19 GMT -5
And for my blonde friends *smirks*
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
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Post by Zimmi on Apr 21, 2013 19:49:37 GMT -5
Two hunter went branded hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a branded. He crept up on her and shot but only wounded her. Enraged the branded charged toward him, he dropped his bow and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the branded girl, was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, she tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin. The hunter jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You fuck this one while I go and get another one!"
Later in hades, they both decided they'd change this story to a bear.
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Jokes
Apr 25, 2013 11:46:33 GMT -5
Yummy likes this
Post by Keren on Apr 25, 2013 11:46:33 GMT -5
102 year old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor says "how are you feeling?".
"I've never felt better," he replies. "I've got an nineteen year old bride who's pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor thinks for a moment and says, "Let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season but one day he's in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So, he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him. He raises his umbrella, points it at the beaver, squeezes the handle, and BAM! the beaver drops dead in front of him."
"That's impossible," said the old man in disbelief, "someone else must have shot that beaver!"
"Exactly", said the doctor.
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Jokes
Apr 25, 2013 11:55:51 GMT -5
Post by Keren on Apr 25, 2013 11:55:51 GMT -5
One day a little indian boy walked up to the chief and said "Me ready for women." The chief said "Before you can have a real women, you must go into the woods and practice on the trees for three days"
The Indian boy said "Ok," and went off into the woods.
Three days later, he returns and says "Me ready for women."
The Indian chief says "Pick out any woman you want and take her inside the teepee."
The boy picked a women, escorted her into the teepee and said "Take off all your clothes, bend over and grab your ankles." The women asked "Why?", but the boy told her to just to bend over.
The women bent over, and the boy kicked her in the ass. "Why the hell did you do that?" she asked.
"Just checking for bees." replied the boy.
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Jokes
Apr 26, 2013 0:26:58 GMT -5
Post by Zimmi on Apr 26, 2013 0:26:58 GMT -5
One day a little indian boy walked up to the chief and said "Me ready for women." "Just checking for bees." replied the boy. Is THAT what Wootan was doing!?!
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Jokes
Apr 26, 2013 0:55:12 GMT -5
Yummy likes this
Post by Zimmi on Apr 26, 2013 0:55:12 GMT -5
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. “Lord, I have a problem!” “What’s the problem, Eve?” “Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I’m just not happy.” “Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above. “Lord, I am lonely, and I’m sick to death of apples.”
“Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.” “What’s a man, Lord?” “This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He’ll lie, cheat and be vainglorious; all in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But... he’ll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he’s aroused, but since you’ve been complaining, I’ll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won’t be too smart, so he’ll also need your advice to think properly.”
“Sounds great.” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. What’s the catch, Lord?” “Well... you can have him on one condition.” “What’s that, Lord?” “As I said, he’ll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you’ll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it’s our little secret... You know, woman to woman.”
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neiryn
Exploring
Nun
Posts: 47
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Jokes
Apr 26, 2013 13:22:43 GMT -5
Post by neiryn on Apr 26, 2013 13:22:43 GMT -5
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!
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neiryn
Exploring
Nun
Posts: 47
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Post by neiryn on Apr 27, 2013 15:16:39 GMT -5
Senior Sex
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
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Post by masterbaiter on Apr 27, 2013 16:32:44 GMT -5
There is a fly sitting on a branch above a stream, in the stream a fish watches the fly and thinks to itself, if the fly were to drop, I could leap out of the water and eat the fly. On the bank of the stream a bear watches the fish, thinking if the fly drops, the fish will leap and I can catch the fish. a little further back behind a tree a hunter sits eating a sandwich, he is thinking, if the fly drops, the fish leaps the bear will move and I can shoot the bear. Hiding under a leaf a mouse watches the hunter, thinking if the fly drops, the fish leaps the bear moves the hunter will have to put down his sandwich to shoot the bear and I will get the sandwich. Crouched a few feet from the mouse is a cat, waiting for the fly to drop, the fish, the bear and the hunter will do their thing causing the mouse leave it's hiding place and the cat can pounce on the mouse.
All of a sudden, it happens, Th fly drops, the fish leaps, the bear lunges, the hunter drops his sandwich and fires, the mouse scurries and the cat pounces......whoosh, SPLASH! The Cat misses the mouse completely and lands in the stream.
The moral of this story....every time a fly drops, a pussy gets wet.
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Post by masterbaiter on Apr 29, 2013 12:25:04 GMT -5
There is a blond that is so sick of blond jokes she dyes her hair black. One day she is driving in the country as sees a sheep herder and thinks to herself, hmmm, a sheep, that would be a cool pet to have. She drives up and talks to the sheep herder and says "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in the flock, will you give me one as a pet?" The sheep herder thinks on it ans says yes. The woman looks over the flock of sheep quickly and say "you have 127 sheep". The sheep herder is astonded, and says "You're right, a deal's a deal, you may pick anyone as a pet." The former blond goes out to the flock and after about 15 minutes returns with her choice. The sheep herder looks at her and the animal she has in her arms. He says to her, "I have a deal for you, if I can tell you what color your hair naturally is, can I have my dog back?"
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neiryn
Exploring
Nun
Posts: 47
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Post by neiryn on Apr 29, 2013 12:39:55 GMT -5
DIVORCE VS MURDER
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,"I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked,"Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband.
That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail!
All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
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Post by Zimmi on May 26, 2013 19:20:05 GMT -5
From a friend of mine.
LL: (Saved Sat May 25 17:59:30 2013)a joke for you,,,,,,,,,,A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz.
The bartender says, "What's wrong with Schlitz, don't you like it?
The man says, "I hate that shit". Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks.
The bartender says, "You drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks".
You don't understand said the man, Chunks is my dog.
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